When the family is to blame for your mental trauma

"All happy families are alike, but every unhappy family is unhappy in its own way." This is one of the most striking lines that's often quoted from Leo Tolstoy's one of the most canonical works Anna Karenina. 

To understand what these words actually try to convey, we can consider the tragic incident of Shemi, a single mother with twin daughters residing in the Uttara area of the capital who was left to starve by her own family members. 

Just a few days ago, this woman and her 10-year-old twin daughters came under the glare of the spotlight as they were rescued in critical condition from their flat upon receiving a call from one of their neighbours. When they were taken to the hospital and served food, the kids were so famished that they just gobbled it up. 

Despite the fact that this woman Shemi belongs to a well-off family and all her brothers belong to the upper echelon of society, they were starving for at least four days at the time of rescue. It means they were left in the lurch by their own blood relations. 

According to police, both the mother and the daughters are showing signs of severe mental health problems. In their case, it is the family who is to blame partly for the agony and mental trauma they were going through. 

The fate of this woman brings an important issue to the fore which is frequently swept under the rug in our society on the pretext of societal norms and traditions. The fabric of family bonding is tearing apart putting a big question mark on the role of the family in this individualistic society. 

Another thing in this regard is to consider the fact that family is not always a guaranteed refuge. While it's true that the concept of family is highly beatified in our social structure, we also need to consider it from another optics as family, for many, could also be the reason for mental trauma. 

There are many families in our country where scuffles and squabbles are very common. In such families, people resort to quarrelling and sometimes violence as well for every silly reason and start locking horns for something as silly as switching off the lights. 

If you are a member of such a family, then you are likely to develop mental health issues. In fact, chances are high that you will grow up as an irascible person. 

The logic is simple - when exposed to constant scuffling, it takes a heavy toll on our mental health. At one stage, people's mentality, exposed to such an unhealthy environment, transmogrifies and they start developing a negative attitude towards family bonding and the people around them. Such impact affects and jeopardises their future endeavours to form intimate relations with others (say for example while choosing life partners) as well. 

The number of people suffering from mental health issues is not meagre. According to information shared by our Health and Family Welfare Minister Zahid Malik on different occasions, 18% of the country's population or 3 crore people are suffering from mental problems and around 1 million people die every year owing to mental health issues. Chances are high that for many of these mental health patients, the reason often stems from the family.  

However, the bigger problem is our unwillingness to accept this and acknowledge the problem. 

People in our society really don't talk about such sensitive issues. But just because our society is suffering from denial syndrome, you don't have to remain caught in the middle of an inferno. It doesn't mean that if you are having a toxic family, you are bound to keep suffering. 

So, what to do if you are locked inside a home where people are quarrelling and fighting every day? First, family members need to talk. 

However, it is often seen that elder members really don't want to talk about these issues. They mostly try to muzzle other family members who are trying to bell the cat. Instead of resolving the issues, they keep torturing other family members emotionally and mentally.  

In that case, emotional cutoff, a term coined by American psychiatrist Murray Bowen, is probably the only option you could resort to. Emotional cutoff refers to a situation or decision that encourages reducing or totally cutting off emotional contact with close family members with a view to dealing with anxiety and stress caused by disagreements or emotional issues with parents, siblings, and other family members. 

We have to remember that it's better to stay alone rather than silently suffer and slowly inch towards death every day.    

Despite the fact that it's the 21st century and the world has evolved a lot, we as a society is still dogmatized by hackneyed principles and ideas such as we cannot question the role of family. We need to break this vicious cycle of gagging ourselves and start talking about the role of family. 

If necessary, we have to learn to accept estrangement (in case of toxic relations) from family as well because life is a precious gift and we should not spoil it just because someone close to me is not valuing the significance of a healthy environment.   

Moreover, legal help should also be made available for those seeking help with regards to torture inflicted on someone by his/her family. Just like someone has a moral obligation to fulfil their filial responsibilities, family members should also share some responsibility for maintaining a healthy environment at home.  

Counselling and other kinds of help necessary to bring someone out of such shock and trauma caused by family should be made more accessible for all. Everyone has the right to live with dignity in a peaceful family environment, the significance of which should not be undermined on the pretext of anything including social constructs. 

Md Morshedul Alam Mohabat is a columnist who likes to delve deeper into the human psyche and social incongruities with a view to exploring the factors that influence these.