Eldest daughter syndrome: Burdened with parenthood in childhood

"I'm still on that tightrope,

I'm still trying everything to get you laughing in me

I'm still a believer but I don't know why

I've never been a natural 

All I do is try, try, try" 

If you are a Swiftie, these lines might immediately trigger a connection to Taylor Swift's 'Mirrorball.' However, beyond the fandom, the essence of these lyrics can particularly resonate with you if you're a firstborn or, more specifically, the eldest daughter.

Being a firstborn has always been stressful in every household. From shouldering parental responsibilities to setting the standard for younger siblings, firstborns often grapple with this constant pressure to fulfil expectations while embodying perfection, even if they fail miserably to do so.

The expectations of firstborns are quite gender-based, which shapes different experiences for both the eldest son and daughter in diverse family settings. Nowadays, many progressive households are redefining gender roles, which is undoubtedly helping distribute the pressures more equitably between boys and girls.

Yet, in many circumstances, the responsibilities of the eldest son are more finite, focusing on career and financial aspects. In contrast, the eldest daughters frequently contend with other additional domestic and emotional expectations. This subtle difference in expectations creates a huge difference for the eldest daughters, making it really important to talk about what many of you can see trending on social platforms: the eldest daughter syndrome.

Eldest daughter syndrome (EDS) is not officially recognised as a psychiatric diagnosis, but it refers to a family role inherited by the eldest daughter, where they are expected to do more domestic labour and emotional caretaking and set benchmarks for the younger siblings on top of additional academic and career expectations from the parents.

Even if someone has an older brother, EDS may apply to anyone as long as she is the eldest female sibling. This may link to the theory of 'Birth Order' introduced by Austrian psychotherapist Alfred Adler, which suggests that the order in which each child is born into a family plays a major role in shaping their personality traits, behaviours, and life experiences. This leads to a firstborn being different and having more responsibilities compared to their other siblings.

TikTok has been a prominent platform for the eldest daughters to voice out their experiences in their family dynamics. One thing that most of them relate to is feeling intense pressure from childhood to take over parental responsibilities, especially their mother's roles. They are expected to be good at household chores, a care provider, a mediator of family arguments, a reliable person to ask for suggestions, or simply be the 'bigger person', basically to be their mother's 'substitute'.

They feel these pressures even more when their mother is a working individual or absent, which is overtly not a problem, of course. But these expectations and the urge to fulfil them have often caused the eldest daughters to experience a less likely proper childhood compared to other siblings, even their eldest brother.

UNICEF claims girls are saddled with a disproportionate burden of domestic work compared to boys and do 30% more than them, resulting in girls sacrificing a big part of their childhood to enjoy it.

Another harmful trait that most of the eldest daughters inherit is the art of people-pleasing. As the expectations are higher—to be a good elder daughter or sister—they are often expected to be skilled at keeping peace and harmony, even if it triggers their discomfort. Out of expectations, where people-pleasing should have been a strategic skill to master, it becomes an unhealthy personality trait. 

They are in constant fear of disappointing others, especially the siblings, and desire validation to be perfect and liked all the time. A fact usually overlooked is how the eldest daughters struggle with same-age relationships.

Given the additional responsibilities since childhood and the lack of parental attention compared to other siblings, most of the time, they cannot adjust to people the same age as them. They often become high maintenance and might seek someone who is more mature, responsible, and understands and shares similar traits, family dynamics, or career aspirations.

Here is an important thing to note: the eldest daughters often claim to be less valued in family and society. Part of it could be because of the narrative of them being the caregiver. Anything that is free surely gets taken for granted, and care is an emotional labour that no one has to pay for. This is why many eldest daughters feel less appreciated despite the labour they put in. 

It has been reported how these experiences and pressures often lead to eldest daughters having intense anxiety and depression and how, the majority of the time, the eldest siblings need to seek therapy or professional help.

Expectations and responsibilities for eldest daughters may vary across cultures and families, and that's why experiences for eldest daughters can be different from one another. Some may feel incredibly welcomed, heard, and seen in their family; on the other hand, some might see themselves in deranged characters like Succession's Kendall Roy or when Mitski sang, "I was so young when I behaved 25."

It's hard to change something that is not adequately acknowledged yet. It is even more challenging in a brown household, where usually there is a huge communication gap. But it is essential to bridge the gap among family members, to create a space for asking for help and feeling safe about it. Brown households must recover from this unfair burden of activities among siblings and labelling work as 'feminine' or 'masculine'. 

Lastly, knowing when professional help is needed is critical. Professionals often suggest self-care to the eldest daughters to their own liking, as many say, 'to heal their inner child'. Eldest daughters usually skip a huge part of their childhood while co-parenting their younger siblings. It's necessary for their mental health to be more empathetic and communicative about it, as many of them in this process experience adulthood way earlier than crossing the threshold of childhood.

Ayesha Humayra Waresa studies Mass Communication and Journalism at the University of Dhaka. She can be reached at ayeshawaresa2002@gmail.com.

Disclaimer: The views and opinions expressed in this article are those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the opinions and views of The Business Standard.