Unraveling how to flirt, with science!

Have you ever wondered after an interaction, "was he/she flirting with me?"

The line between someone being friendly and someone pursuing you romantically can be hard to distinguish.

It's personally important to get it right, in order to avoid embarrassment from misreading the situation, but at the same time you don't want to miss out on a potential new relationship.

Thankfully, science has done the work in finding out how flirting works, and while it cannot decode the actions of the individual, it can give both men and women more perspective on the whys and how's of flirting.

The first step is acknowledging that men and women can look at the same interaction and come to very different conclusions.

Men have a tendency of overestimating romantic interest, potentially mis-perceiving friendliness for attraction, while women tend to underestimate it, which is where the idea of the "friendzone" comes from.

"The so-called false positive rate is so much different for heterosexual men than for heterosexual women," says Maryanne Fisher, a professor of psychology at St Mary's University in Canada. 

"Smiling, at least in Canadian culture, is a default, right? It's a way to de-escalate situations, increase your perception of friendliness. But, straight men see women smiling and they think, 'Oh, she's interested in me'."

But men's misperceptions aren't entirely their fault, flirting is by design, subtle and difficult to decode. While this may seem counterproductive, it is often intentional. 

The person doing the flirting may not be sure if the person they like is interested or not, and by being subtle the flirter can "test the waters" without opening themselves to embarrassment at misreading the situation.

There are hundreds of articles about flirting, how to flirt and how to judge if someone is flirting with you, but they all boil down to the same few concepts.

Firstly, a shared sense of humour trumps over physical attractiveness.

"People think that humour, or being able to make another person laugh, is most effective for men who are looking for a long-term relationship. It's least effective for women who are looking for a one-night stand. 

"But laughing or giggling at the other person's jokes is an effective flirtation tactic for both sexes," says Leif Edward Ottesen Kennair, a professor in the Department of Psychology at the Norwegian University of Science and Technology (NTNU).

"It is not only effective to be funny, but for women, it is very important that you show your potential partner that you think they are funny," Rebecca Burch, a co-author from SUNY Oswego, US, added.

Making people laugh helps put them at ease with your presence, and draws their attention to you in a positive way, which is always important, but a sense of humour won't do everything. 

The second most important aspect is eye contact in a non-aggressive or creepy manner. A study published in the Journal of Research in Personality, had researchers pair 48 unacquainted, opposite-sex undergrads, then had them spend two minutes at each of the following tasks – 

1) gazing at their partner's eyes, 2) gazing at their partner's hands, and 3) counting how many times their partner blinked.

When both pairs were doing the eye-gazing task at the same time — meaning they were looking at each other — they were far more likely to report feelings of affection than when they were doing any other task.

In the end, flirting is a skill that has to be developed over time. No amount of articles will turn you into someone who can make men and women swoon. It will take many attempts, learning from your failures and your successes before you find out what works for you. 

Perhaps the most important lesson of all is to not be afraid to try, after all you will always miss 100% of the shots you don't take.