Working moms have a secret: We love our jobs

If I say to you "working mom," what image pops into your mind? A girl boss with a baby in a briefcase? An employee who can't be fully committed to the job? A harried-looking woman who feels guilty all the time and can't find 10 minutes to take a damn shower?

Judging by falling birthrates and declining intentions to have children, a growing share of educated women are evidently deciding that working motherhood is so unappealing they'll just opt out of having kids. And as a working mom myself, I'm not going to say it's always a rose garden. The United States certainly makes it harder than it needs to be, between the lack of paid leave, the high cost of child care, and a million other policy choices.

Let's take a closer look at the inner life of working mothers. Mothers who work full time, according to research by sociologists Adrianne Frech and Sarah Damaske, are typically mentally and physically healthier than those who work part-time or not at all, even after adjusting for factors that make some moms more likely to work. Other studies have found moms who work outside the home report fewer symptoms of depression. This shouldn't come as a surprise. Men are allowed to be proud of providing for their families; why not us?

"I love my daughter, and I was thrilled to see her when I came home from work, but I was also happy to be at work," as one mother told professors Jamie Ladge of Northeastern University and Danna Greenberg of Babson College.

In the researchers' 2019 book, Maternal Optimism — a must-read for any parent or would-be parent — Ladge and Greenberg interviewed working mothers and found we're often quite delighted to be earning an income. We see work as an opportunity for intellectual stimulation, public recognition and socialising. Our jobs give us a sense of purpose, autonomy, and accomplishment. Work is an arena where we often feel confident and in control.

We also adore our children and are proud to serve as role models for them. "There are few prizes greater than catching a glimmer of pride in your child's eyes," Avivah Wittenberg-Cox, a thought leader on gender in the workplace, wrote in a 2018 essay.

The popular image of a working mom is a woman who feels like she's failing both at motherhood and at her job. And sure, we all have bad days. But many moms told Ladge and Greenberg that motherhood has made them better at their jobs.

One, a scientist, explained that being forced to get out of the lab made her more innovative when she returned. An insurance executive said that parenthood had helped her become, in her words, "a get to the point, no BS" person: "I found that I became more efficient and prioritised my work better than I had before. I also learned how to say 'no' to things, which gave me more credibility among my workers." Even the late Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsberg attributed her success in law school to having a baby daughter: "Each part of my life provided respite from the other and gave me a sense of proportion that classmates who only focused on law studies lacked."

Why is working moms' joy such a secret? Maybe because we don't want to make our child-free or stay-at-home friends feel judged, or make other mothers feel bad if their experience was harder. Particularly for younger or lower-earning moms, or mothers who became pregnant by accident, children can be very disruptive to a career. (Single moms are often assumed to have it harder than married moms, but studies have suggested the picture is more nuanced, because historically, marriage has created work for women.)

Working moms also worry about transgressing social norms. "Everybody assumed it was an incredibly difficult transition to leave the baby," one woman told Ladge and Greenberg of the end of her maternity leave, but she was thrilled to return to work. Others agreed. "I was surprised by how quickly I acclimated," said another. A third said, "If I didn't work, I would die. I love what I do." All these women confessed that they weren't typically this forthright because "there are so many societal ears listening" who might think they were "a horrible person" or even that they shouldn't have had kids.

As for the guilt famously associated with working moms, well, it may just be a part of motherhood, because stay-at-home moms feel it, too. Although 51% of working moms feel guilty about not spending more time with their kids, 55% of SAHMs say they feel guilty about not bringing in any household income, according to a survey by the Working Mother Research Institute.

Of course, there are ways to make working motherhood even better. Paid parental leave. Safe, reliable and affordable child care. Jobs that offer predictable schedules, a degree of flexibility, and wages worth showing up for. A school schedule that's not dictated by the 19th-century agricultural calendar.

But we should be as candid about the joys of working motherhood as we are about the challenges. For one thing, it gives hope to other women. And for another, honesty is always the best policy.

So, I'll cherish the time with my child. And I'll also be looking forward to Monday, when I can sit down at my desk, drink an entire coffee while it's still hot, and do a job I enjoy — for a paycheck my family needs.